Life has been extremely complacent to me.
Despite the curveballs it’s given me. It hasn’t been difficult to overcome. Most of the issue has been in my head. I deal with depression and anxiety on a daily basis. It can be the most annoying thing ever on my good days to see how my days can be spent: sad and alone. It’s no wonder there’s always something about me that promotes To Write Love On Her Arms. I try to be better than what depression and anxiety can make me be at times.
And there was a time where I could not be better for me. A time where all I did was go to work and come home. And a time where all my friends were off at college and I knew no one else. And a time where the man I loved did not reciprocate the same feelings. And it took a long while to get over each of these circumstances. Through it all, music and cafes and complacency allowed me to get back up. But it was because I knew where to go. I knew who to talk to. I knew my city well enough to not be scared.
So now that there is a chance to start afresh…I’m worried. I’m worried about starting over. Because it will be in a new city, in a new school.
This is the part where I elaborate. I petitioned to graduate this semester from community college. I got the confirmation letter saying I was approved. I get to graduate with the Class of 2016. I applied last fall to transfer, just in case my petition went through. I didn’t expect for it to happen. And of the four schools I originally applied to, two said no, one said yes, and one I have no idea about.
The one I got accepted to was the only one I was going to apply to. AND THEY SAID YES.
And that school is about two hours away from home. Pomona, CA to be exact. Part of me wonders if it’s a good idea. Considering the last time I was going to leave home, shit hit the fan and led to the worst depression I had ever. Most important, I have exactly two weeks to decide.
Tick tock. Tick tock. Time is running out. Enter anxiety.
And if it doesn’t work out how I want…enter depression.