The Big Picture

At the age of twenty two, I feel like I should have a very good idea of what it is I want and where I am going and what I should do.

Unfortunately, half the time, I feel like I’m walking on fire. Tiptoeing endlessly and really only harming myself furthermore. It might be my lack of discipline to further myself or my complacency about the things I’ve accomplished so early in my life.

But I want more.

And recently I’ve been thinking about the people who are no longer a part of my life. About the people I wish were still in it. And the people who I am thankful I will never have to deal with again. All the nice and mean things they’ve said. Because maybe to some degree, could their honesty have been held until they had nothing else to lose with me? It’s just a tad bit possible. And it’s not like I’ve dwelled on it. It’s more of an eye opening experience about who I am and things I may do out of habit that I don’t even realize I did.

And it’s this same process that allows me to see into myself and how others treat me as well. I want better.

The matter of the fact is that my background gives me a huge disadvantage to a lot of things. I’m a minority. I’m a female. My mother’s religion ostracized me from society from a young age; upon leaving religion, assimilation into society proved quite difficult. My parent’s were never impoverished upon arriving the US, but their assimilation didn’t start until I was a teenager. Until then, they weren’t as open minded about  US norms as opposed to Mexican norms.

So, I never had cable growing up. All the popular movies and tv shows were watched in Spanish a year after everyone over here had seen them already. My dad was consistently absent in our home because of his family’s business in Mexico. My mother was absent in our home because no one else was gonna pay our bills. So I never really had a role model to take after. I always tried to define myself, but it wasn’t easy. My mother had expectations and I made sure I made every single one of them true. I graduated high school without a boyfriend and/or child. I went to college. I did a lot of volunteer work to improve my resumes. I found full time jobs so I could become independent. But none of it was for me, really because I didn’t have a normal life. I grew up too fast without a choice in the matter. It’ll make me a better person, but at what cost? Not truly living life.

And I mean, I did live life for a bit. Because I finally could the whole year I was twenty one. But I’m still reaping the repercussions because I made bad decisions because I didn’t know/understand a lot of things. And I made those choices, but with no real knowledge to what I was really doing. Instead now, I feel stuck because I know if I had done things right, things could definitely be different.

But I’m twenty two now. I’m not nineteen. And I can still change my pathway. Nothing is set in stone.

I have to remember that.

Because when I’m this upset that things didn’t go as planned. I get so frustrated and mad. But I forget that this isn’t the end. Breathe easy. Everything I’m enduring now, though it seems endless…there is always light at the end of the tunnel.

Now, let me focus on me and get my education.

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