Perception and motivation.

According to astrologists, I’m supposed to have a high intuition because I am considered a Cancer.

After studying astronomy, I realized, that technically I wasn’t even born within the sky map of what is considered the cancer constellation. On my birthday, I fell under the Leo constellation. So there really is no foundation to this whole “your sign means this” thing, right?

Except. I am very intuitive.

I knew something happened between the two. I just couldn’t shake that feeling. So I stopped hanging out with her. I stopped all association with her. I just couldn’t handle this gut feeling of mine. I knew something was lurking. And I just couldn’t shake it. But most importantly, I had to focus on school. Fuck the drama.

I’m glad I wasn’t invited. I’m glad I didn’t know. Even though I did because I saw the snaps. I don’t blame her because we shouldn’t shame drunk women. We should educated drunk men. I’m glad she had friends.

But it’s this whole notion that upsets me. It fuels this hate that I feel in my stomach. Not of her. Not of him. The situation. The similarity in the situation. I too was drunk. I too was in the same situation. I took better control I suppose. But it too was a life altering situation. I lost a part of who I was. And I’ll never get that back. It’s not to say that I would want it back. It’s just to say I wasn’t ready. I should have said no. Instead, I let myself fall for the men seducing me. This led to a confusing year of existence while I tried to fix the broken pieces.

Am I better? No. But I’ve learned a lot. Am I still facing repercussions? A little. But I’m finding my way out of this hole I found myself in. I’m learning to accept the past and taking it a day at a time.

No regrets. What happened happened. Now it’s all about facing the present and making it better.

May we never meet again. May you be happy with yours as I try to with mine.

Breathe easy and move forward.

“I’m not yours anymore.”

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